Why Don’t We Ask for Help?

Your Times of Need

How many times have you found yourself in need of help from others in a difficult time and help didn’t show up?  When it doesn’t, how do you feel about all those who failed to respond in your behalf?  We can feel resentment, frustration and even contempt.  As you consider all of the resulting overpowering emotions, ask yourself this:

Did I ask for help?

Chances are, you neglected to proactively ask. Why?

Often we assume (you’ve likely heard the acronym). We assume that since our friends, family or colleagues are aware of our need, they will promptly and dutifully respond with their aid and support.  When they don’t respond, we believe they are at fault for failing to live up to their implied responsibility to support you. The reality is that others have their own set of challenges that prevent them from noticing and responding to yours. The law of reciprocity has its limits.

If you habitually assume instead of ask, what does that do to your ability to get things done?  How much would you benefit from changing this habit?  Let’s start by understanding that you’re clinging to a self limiting belief.  Simply stated, that entitling belief is:

“I shouldn’t have to ask.”

When you don’t believe you have to ask, you don’t and won’t.  Does this ask-reluctant attitude stem from entitlement?  Or are there other motives or beliefs in play?  What really prevents us from asking for the help we need when we need it?

Top 5 Obstacles to Asking for Help

1. Desire to be self sufficient or be perceived that way
2. Fear of vulnerability: The belief that asking is a display of weakness
3. Fear of Rejection or Ego
4. Entitlement: the belief that others will naturally respond so asking is unnecessary.
5. Fear of admitting loss of control

Maybe you have discovered other reasons. Whatever your reason, I recommend that you…

Put Your Potential Helpers into 3 Categories

Most of us humans are inherently inclined to help others. It feels good!  We can divide our potential helpers into two categories:

1. Generally altruistic people and seek opportunities to help others unconditionally.
2. Those who need a good reason to engage. Once they have one, they’re all in.
3. Selfish, egotistical narcissists.

For those in category #3, you’ve likely identified these folks already. For them, a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” approach will suffice.

Let’s move on.  Can we assume that most people you know fall into categories 1 and 2?  Their help is either unconditional or conditional. In either case it’s potentially attainable.  To be safe, you should always share your reasons for your request to satisfy the needs of those in category 2. Eat some humble pie and ask. If you struggle to get started, try some form of these simple ice breaking openers:  Approach your helpers with a humble mindset.

 “I wonder if you could help me.”   or   “I could really use your help.”

Watch what happens. You never get a pure “no”.  People in category #1 say “of course”.  Those in #2 typically want to know a little more. Remember, they need a reason to believe their efforts will not be wasted or go unappreciated.  So be ready to make your case after they acknowledge your humble ask.

Asking for Help is About Seeking Win-Win Scenarios!

Most normal, well adjusted humans are generally fulfilled by helping. How flattered do you feel when someone values your opinion enough to seek you out for your advise? When you fail to ask others for help, you deprive them of the opportunity for fulfillment that enriches their lives. They feel better about themselves. Why would you want to deprive them?

 “But I Might Look Weak”

Vulnerability is underrated. How long will you pretend that you’re invincible and infallible?  Who are you really fooling?  Isn’t your achievement worth some risk?

One More Thing…

Don’t forget the gratitude part. No matter the quality of the assistance, say thank you.  When you”re ungrateful, you fall into category #3: the selfish, egotistical narcissist.  And if you truly want to convey your gratitude, there’s nothing like a hand written note.  Or when the situation dictates, consider a thoughtful, personalized gift.

If you needed that person’s help once, chances are you’ll need it again in the future.  Your level of gratitude will influence the response.

Related

• Humility and Naivety are Underrated
• Three Simple Steps To Tackling Tough Tasks