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Chicago Executive Coaching presents
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Think about someone at work who really irritates you. Perhaps it’s the colleague who always needs to be right. The employee who challenges your decisions. Or the executive who seems determined to dominate every conversation.
Who comes to mind?
Now, here’s a more uncomfortable question: What might your irritation be telling you about yourself?
Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung explored an interesting psychological phenomenon: We sometimes react most strongly to characteristics in others that we have difficulty acknowledging in ourselves.
Psychologists call this projection.
For example, a leader who prides himself on humility might become particularly irritated by an arrogant colleague. Is the colleague actually arrogant? Perhaps. But could the leader also have an unacknowledged need for recognition?
Or consider a manager who becomes frustrated when employees question her decisions. She might interpret their questions as disrespect. But could those questions also be triggering her own insecurity about being in control?
The point isn’t that every irritation reveals a hidden character flaw. Sometimes people genuinely behave in ways that deserve criticism.
The opportunity lies in examining why certain behaviors provoke an unusually strong emotional reaction.
Imagine two executives dealing with the same outspoken employee. One appreciates the employee’s willingness to challenge conventional thinking. The other feels threatened and becomes defensive. Same employee. Same behavior. Different reactions.
Perhaps the first executive values independent thinking, while the second interprets disagreement as a challenge to authority. The behavior hasn’t changed. The meaning assigned to it has.
Our emotional reactions are influenced by our experiences, values, expectations, and insecurities. Recognizing these influences is an important element of emotional intelligence. And here’s where leadership development gets interesting.
There’s another possibility worth exploring.
Sometimes the qualities that irritate us most are strengths we wish we possessed.
Consider a reserved executive who becomes annoyed with a colleague who confidently speaks up in meetings. The colleague seems overly assertive, perhaps even aggressive. But is that confidence actually a weakness? Or is it a capability the executive wishes came more naturally?
Similarly, a highly analytical leader might become frustrated with someone who makes decisions quickly, relying on intuition. Yet that decisiveness might be exactly what the analytical leader needs to develop. What we perceive as arrogance might sometimes be confidence. What we call stubbornness might be perseverance. What we interpret as unnecessary questioning might be intellectual curiosity.
Of course, these characteristics can also become liabilities when taken to extremes. The challenge is recognizing whether we’re observing an actual behavioral problem, an underappreciated strength, or a little of both.
Instead of merely asking, “Why does that person bother me?” consider asking, “What might that person do better than I do?”
That’s a very different conversation with yourself.
The next time someone really gets under your skin, resist the temptation to focus exclusively on what’s wrong with them.
Instead, consider six questions:
What specifically irritates me? Identify the behavior rather than labeling the person.
Why does this bother me so much? What expectation, value, or insecurity might be involved?
Do I ever demonstrate a similar behavior? Even occasionally or in a different form?
Could this behavior represent a strength I lack? Is there something worth learning or adopting?
What assumptions am I making? Could there be another explanation for their behavior?
What might I do differently? How could I respond more constructively next time?
These questions don’t excuse inappropriate behavior. They help distinguish between problems that need to be addressed and emotional reactions that need to be understood.
You cannot control everyone else’s behavior. If you’ve been leading people for any length of time, you’ve probably figured that out. Some of us take longer than others.
But you can become more aware of your reactions and more intentional about your responses.
The next time someone irritates you, consider the possibility that they’ve provided an unexpected opportunity for personal growth.
Before asking what’s wrong with them, ask what you might learn about yourself.
Sometimes the most challenging people in our lives become our most valuable teachers. And they don’t even send us an invoice.
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