
Think back to your childhood. How many times did you complain to your mother that someone called you an unflattering name? And what was your mother’s response?
Sticks and stones will break your bones. But names will never harm you.
According to Wikipedia, that rhyme dates back to 1830. It was a way that our elders delivered a very empowering lesson:
Words can only harm you if you allow them. You get to decide whether or not you’re affected. That lesson’s been delivered for over 180 years. How well have the members of our society learned to apply it?
Instead of choosing to ignore names and labels, more folks are choosing to seek out offensive language so they can be even more offended and share their angry responses. Do we really need more anger in our lives?
How skilled are we at turning the other cheek? Or, allowing mere words to roll off our backs?
Have we progressed and matured? Or have we reverted to falling more frequently into uncontrollable, childlike emotional states?
We’ve enabled others to use words as weapons against us. How empowering is that? What would your mother say? Do you remember your mother asking this:
If all your friends jumped off a cliff, does that mean you’d do it too?
There again, mom was teaching self-empowerment. Just because everyone around you has decided to be offended by mere words, why should you?
I took extra care as I typed the headline above. I am aware of the tension around race, gender and other hot button preferences. I confess to be less than all-knowing. So I’ll use a movie reference, Back to The Future, as an example. There was one word that would push Marty over the edge: chicken. For him it was so inflammatory, he would lose control and resort to violence.
Sticks and stones, Marty. Your response to that word gives others control over you. Is that what you really want?
That said, Back To The Future was released 30 years ago. Is it OK to say chicken here today? Might it have some new deeper meaning now, and I didn’t get the memo? Might the folks at PETA demand that I shut down this blog? Sticks and stones. Why can’t we stop looking for things to anger or upset us.
Now that I’ve inflamed the PETA people. I’ll backpedal. I apologize. That was a cheap shot. It was cheap because it lacked a really important human attribute and leadership virtue: empathy. It lacks an effort to understand a different frame of reference and different sets of values and beliefs.
I believe that choosing your attitude is empowering for children of all ages. BUT: let’s examine the premise that names will never harm you. If only that were universally true.
There’s a saying about loosely officiated sporting events that makes a case for ignoring non-egregious actions.
In this case harm refers to physical harm. Sometimes it’s better for all to simply play on. Should the phrase apply to name calling?
We can’t deny that humans are emotional beings. Is it OK to assume that hurt feelings don’t matter?
In the case of deeply hurtful language, it can be really challenging to decide to unaffected. We all have different triggers. For Marty McFly, calling him chicken unleashed deeply rooted feelings stemming from his father’s lack of fortitude. Hence his uncontrollable reaction to the word. Adding a sense of empathy allows us to view his uncontrollable reactions with a new perspective.
Perhaps as a society, there is no going back. What used to be acceptable conversation can now be taboo. Being less enlightened about what is and isn’t inflammatory continues to result in damaged reputations and loss of employment. What’s a leader to do? How do you navigate this minefield? I have two simple recommendations.
Allow me to paraphrase the words of my mother and yours…
Just because everyone around you chooses to be offended and react with emotionally charged actions: Does that mean you should act the same way?
What does all this say about our collective Emotional Intelligence (EQ)? We’ve become a culture of people who have lost control. When it come to remembering that names can’t hurt us, we’ve lost that belief and thereby diminish our personal power.
The good news is that you can regain the power by choosing your attitude. The bad news is that attitudes are habits of thought and: Old Habits Die Hard.
Should you choose to maintain control of your emotions in the face of inflammatory words, the first step is awareness. Self regulation can not happen without self awareness.
Empathy is a skill that can be developed. That requires motivation.
What do they say about finger pointing?
We all have an opportunity to lead by example when it comes to name calling habits behavior.
What opportunities do you have to improve your ability to choose your attitude in the face of situations of potentially high emotions?
Empathy is the ability to understand the feelings of others.
How would you rate your empathy? More importantly: How would others rate you?
If you’re inclined to discuss how to develop that part of your leadership ability, I’d be happy to discuss how it might work for you.
Tom Lemanski helps accomplished leaders unlock potential, solve complex challenges, and amplify their impact.
Effective leadership is the key to driving meaningful, lasting success in a fast-changing world.
Tom’s focus on innovative strategies and self-awareness creates transformative results for leaders striving for the next level.
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“Power today comes from sharing information, not from withholding it.'” – Keith Ferrazzi
One Response
Very nicely put.